Sexual Guidance Needed

Question: I need a little guidance here.

I’m a 28 year old woman – attractive, hot body, etc. in a relationship with a guy I am head over heels for. He is constantly professing his love for me also, which I take with a grain of salt because — I think he is in love with what I do to him and how I make him feel (incredible blowjobs, massages, etc.) not so much with who I am.
Sad for me, but my own fault. Problem: he’s always been rather gluttonous about sex.

I mean, he’s a taker not a giver. He lays back and enjoys the way I touch him, kiss him, taste him, etc. I love to make him feel good (it makes me feel good) and in the back of my mind I do to him the things I would love for him to do to me. But I remain untouched, and unfulfilled.

He has never gone down on me (it’s shaved, and nice and clean), he has only touched my vulva 3 times, and it was all business – zero in on target.

I know he is capable, just not willing for whatever reason and I find I have no voice. It feels like rejection every time we make love and he doesn’t take the time to touch me first.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt his ego (feelings) and I don’t have the guts to say something. I’ve tried hinting, and moving a little under his hand, but nothing. I need advice.

Not something I have to say to him- because I can’t. Something I can do to make him WANT to touch me.
He loves to f*#k me but he doesn’t understand that for woman, it’s 85% seduction of the mind. Have I been too giving? Should I shut him off and make him come to me? Is it too late to play this game?

Answer: I can certainly understand how difficult this situation is for you. Not for the first time I’m struck how lucky men are when they have a partner who’s devoted to them: the way a woman wants to make things good for the man she loves is a powerful force.

I suspect that men don’t appreciate it enough, though, and when you combine that fact with men often are driven by the desire to satisfy themselves without much thought for their partners it can produce an unhappy situation…..as you know.

I’m sorry to say this but I don’t think there is any way you can “make” this guy want you or be better sexually.
I know only too well a lot of women think they could change a man if only they knew the right way to go about it. Believe me – it doesn’t work.

The only way he’ll change is if he wants to, and the only way you can find that out is by talking to him.
Suppose he doesn’t change? Will you be prepared to go on not getting the satisfaction you deserve? I’m afraid you need to be firm here.

Tell him what you want, why you want it, how he can give it to you – and see what happens. My guess is he’ll get irritable, for he will then know you want more off him than he is prepared to give. If so – then you have to decide what you want…..a better relationship, or the status quo?

But if he does respond – and there’s always a chance he might – and starts working with you to give you a better sex life, and stops being so immature and selfish as he is now – then you still get what you want and you have all the pluses of this relationship too.

I am sorry I can’t find an easier way to say this. I don’t want to collude in a process of hiding the truth from you. In short: you need to communicate with him, and if this doesn’t work, then you must think about what you want and need most. That might be equality in relationship!

Yes, that may mean ending the relationship. But better that than the unhappiness you now seem to be suffering.

Answer from the original questioner: Thanks for writing back and telling me everything I didn’t want to hear. I was really hoping for some crafty techniques only known by the opposite sex:(

How disappointing. I still think this sexual “laziness” is a learned habit not an innate trait. Men like David (my boyfriend) who are really good looking and well endowed have probably had an easy time attracting partners and satisfying their needs, at least in the short term.

It probably doesn’t help his situation when there’s women like myself out there faking orgasms half the time so not to damage his ego, then going home and getting myself off a dozen times.
Funny, now that I wrote that it makes sense that most of his relationships have lasted less than 2 years (he’s 32). Maybe no women ever told him the truth about his bedroom techniques.

Are woman disillusioned because we are innately givers? Maybe men aren’t as selfish as they appear, maybe we have been over trained in giving for too many eons. It almost seems as it has become part of our DNA.
I just can’t imagine holding back on making someone feel good, you know?

Sometimes I really envy men, no guilt in just laying back and enjoying being taken care of. So last night, after reading your response I was trying to psych myself up to actually say something (even did 3 shots of Tequila to quell the fear) but once again I failed.

I was a little more persuasive with my actions and a couple of “no, not yet” lines. I was laying on my back, with my head off the edge of the bed, and he was standing over me so I could suck on his balls and lick his cock.
He actually leaned forward and ran his hands down my belly (once) and rubbed my pussy (for about 30 seconds). I thought for sure he was going to 69 me because I did hint by raising my hips toward him but no…. I get wet really easy, and I think he takes that as a signal that I’m ready to f*#k.

The position was good, he sat on the edge of the bed and I faced him, wrapping my legs around his back, but I just wasn’t worked up enough with foreplay. Then, after I faked an orgasm, he stood me up and bent me over the bureau in front of the mirror and took me from behind. One of my favorite positions!

Women need much longer foreplay than men

Seems like such a waste when I wasn’t even close to being lubricated enough. Do you think I need more foreplay than the average woman?

I mean I could really use like 20-30 minutes to get me going psychologically even though I get wet in three minutes. Don’t get me wrong I love quickies too, they have their place and time though. Maybe I’m being too obsessive about this whole sex thing. The more I think about it, the more I think about it.

Everything else in our relationship is so good, I am considering just accepting the status quo and being grateful for that alone. I don’t know if any relationship can have all the elements we need or want, it seems to be a little farfetched to expect that.

Unfortunately, my brain equates sexual fulfillment with a very deep sense of intimacy, of someone truly knowing me and loving me. Maybe in my next life I’ll have it easy and come back as a man Thanks again for your wisdom, it did help.

Another reply from advice service: You know, 20 – 30 minutes is normal foreplay time for women. It takes the average woman 10 – 20 times as long to get aroused mentally as it does for the average man (which is 2 – 3 minutes. Sound familiar?)

Sure, you may be wet, but for a woman (and indeed sometimes for men), being aroused physically does not equate to being aroused mentally, nor does it mean you are ready for sex. When you equate intimacy with powerful connected sex, you tap into the true nature of female sexuality, not the superficial version foisted on women by men’s sexual demands.

When you meet a man who understands this, he will know how powerful the force of female sexuality can be. When it comes from a woman’s  heart and body connected, it is truly astounding. This embodiment of the lover within comes from long foreplay, high arousal and mutual intimacy.

So my challenge to you is to seek out what you deserve, and what I would say you are looking for, not to settle for a life of faked orgasms and sexual compromise….something that might empower you as a woman?