What women want from men during sex
Why do women have sex? It’s an interesting question once you get beyond what seems most clear: to have kids and because it feels pleasurable.
Two University of Texas research scientists tried to establish the deeper motives about why women to go to bed with their male partners.
Through an online survey of over 1,000 women aged between 18 to 87 they found that women aren’t very different from men.
The survey enquired of women if they had ever engaged in sex for any of the 237 reasons listed in the study. If they replied that they had, they were prompted to describe one of their specific sexual experiences.
So, what are the most important reasons women have sex?
The primary reason is that they’re attracted to their partner, and want physical pleasure and gratification. Next down the list was the desire for love or emotional bonding.
This compares to men’s reasons – pleasure and bonding in that order. It’s a sign of a more enlightened era, perhaps, that women who participated in the research were enjoying sex because of the pleasure it provides.
Of course, there’s a natural bias in this sex research – the women who took part are self-selected. The researchers tried to eliminate that by keeping answers confidential, but even so – is this representative of all women? Who knows? The women claimed to be of all ages and from several countries, so it might be.
The researchers expected women to have many reasons for engaging in sex, but some were a surprise: a lot of women claimed they had sex to bring them closer to God.
And revenge featured high on the list: having sex with someone else just because their partner was unfaithful. Competition was also a motive: imagine a group of women in a bar trying to see who can get a man to have sex with them.
And a lot of younger women claimed sex was just “another notch on their belt”. (At this point I’m wondering if it was men filling in the answers!)
Men will be astounded to hear that some women just wanted to get rid of their virginity.
And just to show how deeply engrained in the female psyche is the idea of pleasing men, some women had sex with a man because they felt sorry for him (e.g. he couldn’t get another date or hadn’t had sex!).
And of course, some women had sex for money or drugs or other material gains…..read about it all here.
Video – why women have sex
But still, it’s clear that most women would like sex to be an act of love between two people who care about each other deeply – not an act of pleasure in bed or sexual release as it so often is for men.
Women who are having sex outside a long term loving relationship may even be cutting themselves off from their own emotions, so that they avoid the feelings of loss and emptiness that sex for sex’s sake can produce – in other words, they are doing what men do – having sex because it feels good.
But this is more natural for a man than a woman. So, if men want to produce greater arousal and sexual responsiveness in their female partners, these are the things men need to know.
Men: they all have the same theme – caring for your partner and making her emotionally important to you!
1 Give good foreplay and massage
Massage has many benefits in increasing feelings of well-being, health and satisfaction. But it also makes a woman sexually aroused.
It seems that a woman’s skin is a sexual organ in a way that most men’s aren’t – probably because women associate touch with love and care (think of the cradling between a woman and her infant): and love and care with a partner naturally lead to sexual intercourse, which is the ultimate expression of love between two people.
Therefore, if you massage your partner she will be both more loving and more aroused – and, by the way, so will you if your receive massage from her. There is no need to learn complicated techniques of massage – all you need are a pair of hands, a warm room, and a bottle of massage oil.
Rubbing her back with long slow movements is always good – and if you ask her for feedback on whether she would like more oil, and more or less pressure, and where she would like you to move your hands, you will find that it all becomes surprisingly easy.
Long slow strokes are better than short quick movements, though circular movements can also be great at relieving tension.
And the feet, arms, hands, thighs and ankles are all especially sensitive. Read about vaginal massage here.
Why foreplay is important to women seems to be a mystery to many men, but one thing’s for sure – women all want more of it! The average time women want on foreplay is 20 minutes.
This may seem like a long time, but many women will reach orgasm after this long at foreplay with a loving partner, because they will be sufficiently turned on and aroused.
Women’s sexual responses are different to men – men can be turned on very quickly, and come very quickly, but women need to be aroused slowly to feel the spark of passion burning brightly.
(And before you remind yourself about the quickie on the floor when you got through the door last night, of course women are sometimes just as horny as men – but in general, they need more foreplay to enjoy sex as much as men.)
Women place a lot of emphasis on the environment in which sex takes place – a romantic and sensuous environment is important, because it speaks of love and care.
So though you may find perfumed candles and satin sheets a drag, remember that they might be important to your partner – and do your best to create a loving atmosphere in the bedroom.
Another aspect of foreplay worth remembering is that women are turned onto their partners by acts of love that extend throughout the day.
A kind word, a gentle touch, a surprise gift: all of these things, and many more – in fact any gesture that demonstrates you care – can serve to heighten the passion in the bedroom.
2 Learn to enjoy oral sex – and be good at it!
Women love oral sex. There are many reasons why.
First, nothing else feels as good as a warm, wet tongue sliding across a woman’s vulva and clitoris. Second, it is a powerful show of love and intimacy and suggests how much you love your partner and want her to achieve sexual fulfillment. Third, it offers profound intimacy and allows women to rapidly lose themselves into sheer sexual pleasure.
And fourth, no matter what the size of your cock, you can give good head. Truly, a man with good cunnilingus skills can be the most popular lover in the world!
Moreover, when a good session of cunnilingus, which in itself is almost guaranteed to bring a woman off, is combined with your finger stimulating her G-spot (see the G spot page of this site), the blend of clitoral and G-spot stimulation produces an orgasm far more intense and fulfilling than clitoral stimulation alone.
This is rather convenient, because with your head down there, you are in just the right place to provide the added excitement of G-spot stimulation.
3 Don’t be too rough, and don’t take things for granted
Do not treat her clitoris as if it were a penis! In other words, be sensitive to her needs, and be especially gentle with her clit.
It contains as many nerve endings as a penis, but in a much smaller area, and it can be exquisitely painful if stimulated before she is aroused – or, indeed, after she has come.
To learn the right touch, ask her what feels good and be guided by your female partner.
Find out what she likes, perhaps by watching her masturbate, if she is willing to show you. And don’t assume that you should just put your finger in her vagina and start thrusting it in and out – she may like this, but she may not.
It depends on how aroused she is, how lubricated she is, and how she feels about her body being penetrated (opening physically is easy enough; opening up emotionally and fully giving herself requires that a woman has trust in her partner).
She might appreciate it if you ask her before you insert anything in her vagina: “May I explore your secret place now?” This may sound like a strange question to ask, but many women will find the idea of their man asking for permission to enter their body strangely arousing. It is certainly a respectful thing to do.
One of the things that annoys women during sex is that men ejaculate within a time scale which pleases no-one but themselves. Think of your partner – she needs longer to be fully aroused and satisfied. If you ejaculate too slowly for her pleasure, learn some ways to speed up your premature ejaculation.
4 Learn about her body – especially her clitoris and G-spot.
Well now, do you know where her clitoris is? Hopefully, but if you don’t then you need to find out – and quick! She isn’t going to hang around for ever waiting for you to discover it – especially if she is too shy to tell you herself.
And since the clitoris is the key to women’s sexual pleasure, the sooner you acquaint yourself with it the better.
The clitoris is actually just as variable in shape and size as the penis, and it may be tactless of you to fumble around trying to find it if it’s small or hidden by her labial folds. This site deals with women’s experience of sex in an intelligent and informed way.
As for the G-spot – well, if you don’t know about this, then you are missing a lot of sexual excitement. Any man who has discovered his female partner’s G-spot and knows how she responds to its stimulation knows that it has the capacity to provide an incredible level of sexual pleasure – as well as a type of orgasm which is very different in depth and emotional quality to a clitoral orgasm.
The G-spot is an area of sensitive tissue on the front wall of the vagina between one and two inches inside.
You can best find it by inserting your middle or index finger gently into her when she is aroused with the fingertip facing upwards (assuming she is lying on her back) and slightly hooked, like you were making a beckoning motion with your finger.
Depending on her level of arousal you will feel a small area of raised tissue, perhaps with a gentle slope up to it and away from it as you move deeper into her vagina: its surface texture may be rubbery and ridged or have a soft, swollen, silky feel to it.
The G-spot undergoes a change from rubbery and ridged to soft, swollen and silky as a woman gets more and more aroused. When she’s very aroused, rubbing it in the right way will produce a vaginal orgasm without any clitoral stimulation.
This type of orgasm involves much more flow of erotic and emotional energy all around her body than a clitoral orgasm, which is a lot more focused and localized and does not produce such intense emotional reactions.
(It is not uncommon for a woman to cry and release long-held emotions after an intense G-spot orgasm – but don’t be put off by this, as the experience is a deeply healing one.)
But the remarkable thing about it is that you cannot just rub the G-spot and make her come, because if her level of arousal drops at any point, and you just continue rubbing her G-spot, the chances of her experiencing a vaginal orgasm actually decrease.
You need to be sensitive to how the G-spot responds to what you are doing, and gently alter your stimulation accordingly. As she gets more and more aroused, the stimulation from your fiber will need to be much more intense – a vigorous thrusting movement over the G-spot will bring her to an amazing orgasm, the intensity of which is likely to be quite startling for both of you the first time you experience it.
Many experts on the techniques recommend that you begin by stimulating her clitoris with oral sex and only move into her vagina to stimulate her G-spot with your finger when she is aroused, lubricated and responsive.
You can keep your tongue moving on her clitoris or not – in either case she is likely to have an intense orgasm. One thing that often happens during a G-spot orgasm is that a woman produces vast amounts of lubricating juices which spurt out of her vagina in a female ejaculation.
This is incredibly arousing and sexy – and well worth experiencing! For one thing, when a woman has had a vaginal orgasm, she is usually able to have another very quickly through vaginal intercourse.
If she does, the contractions of her vagina as she orgasms around her mate’s penis often make him come simultaneously – and though simultaneous orgasm is not the be all and end all of sex, it is certainly a powerful, exciting and deeply fulfilling experience.
If she’s having trouble reaching orgasm, a condition known as anorgasmia, read this.